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"Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar"

candlf"Few Tips From The Martha Goddess"candrt

December 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2: Compose and have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3: Using candlewick and hand gilded minature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener for growing curved rose stem.

December 4: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.

December 5: Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. Kill turtle, make frames.

December 6: Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 thru 9: Debug Windows '98.

December 10: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11: Lay Faberge Egg.

December 12: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13: Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14: Install plumbing in Gingerbread house.

December 15: Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 16: Develop recipe to submit to NASA to patch the ozone layer.

December 17: Child proof Christmas Tree with garland of razor wire or lima beans.

December 18: Sand and refinish all electrical kitchen appliances in decorative christmas colors.

December 19: Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.

December 21: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22: Float votive candles in toilet.

December 23:Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24: Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25: Bear son. Swaddle. Feed with festive "Christmas Breasts". Lay in color coordinated manger scented with home-made potpourri.

December 26: Completely remove all signs of Christmas.

December 27: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 28 thru 30: Plan Millenium dinner for 2000 of closest hanger-ons.

December 31: New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

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